Once Upon a Toon

Paul Ferris is a Northern Irish former footballer, physiotherapist for Newcastle United, barrister and author. His first book, The Boy on the Shed, was a critically acclaimed bestseller and his second book, The Magic in the Tin, detailed his journey through prostate cancer. Paul is the CEO of Speedflex, a successful health and fitness business.

• Foreword by Alan ShearerPrologue‘Just get undressed for me . . .’Magnificent dilapidation‘What does your wife do for a living?’Ted and ViMy (dis)continued educationBenwell BillPreseason training: cheating, a bin liner and a slapSo Far AwayThe secret poolDavid McCreery’s hairThe Kevin Keegan effect: 1982–84A plastic pitch and a shopping tripSuperman, the squadron leader, and a very angry IrishmanThe wisdom of ArthurMeeting an idolThe man in the white coat‘Did we score that one?’‘You probably don’t remember me . . .’The Gallowgate roarJack Charlton, a death threat and a missing gunGeorge Reilly wins a fightOnce Upon a Time in America‘Is Geraldine there?’The character and kindness of ‘Zico’Joe Harvey’s knees‘Is that Spandau Ballet?’Shearer – a Newcastle United Legend‘Divvent touch the soup . . .’One minute you’re Steve McQueen . . .Slipping out of the back doorWalking through the front door‘I thought you drove an Aston Martin?’The Kevin Keegan effect – 1992–97‘She is looking at him!’The Young Ones‘D’you wanna go for a drink?’A Newcastle United familyThe bell rings for round oneThe weigh-in, scissors and a trip to the post officeMaiden CastlePoulet à la compote, a strapping and a grumpy BelgianA waste of time . . .Gazza and a missing passportSubstance behind the styleThe versatility and timekeeping of Faustino AsprillaThe smiling assassinThe Fulwell End is always full . . .Shear brillianceAn unhappy manager, a Christmas do and a pink tutuThe pride of CookstownAn enthusiastic studentA Yorkshire TerrierA Psycho mummyTalking to Bruce Fucking SpringsteenThe GeneralA fan in the treatment roomI Put a Spell on YouA Cup final – and a prized possessionEl Gordo and El Gordito‘They don’t eat the green sweets . . .’Ruining Gazza’s diet‘There’s always someone with a bigger boat!’A book signing‘Wait until you hear him sing!’A stray testicle, a tough Geordie and a convention of nunsA familiar voice and a kind gestureRuining Bobby Robson’s training session‘You’ve changed . . .’The Pied Piper of the Left BankA Man for All SeasonsElevationAlan Shearer or Elliot Lee?Bono’s glassesThe King of BarcelonaA dedicated superstarAn iconic celebrationThe humble winner‘It’s only a bit of bloody wind . . .’‘What’s my name?’One player, two managersA date with a masseur40The Master Chronicler‘Are ye not the trainer for N’castle, like?’‘What will happen to Gareth?’‘Can I finish my song?"It was over. I just didn’t know it . . .A final pilgrimage‘Run for Home’Once upon a toon . . .

A must-read for any Newcastle fan. Paul brilliantly brings to life his time at the club.