For fans of Joan Didion and anyone fascinated by true crime, a daughter’s raw and unflinching account of California’s infamous murder trial of her mother, Lucille Miller—and the decades of emotional wreckage it left in its wake.

On October 7, 1964, Debra Miller’s life turns upside down when her mother is arrested for the murder of her father. At only fourteen years old, Debra becomes a ward of the court, grappling with the unfathomable trauma of watching her mother’s trial and conviction—a devastation that is only amplified when her family’s tragedy is splashed across headlines nationwide.

Desperate to escape the notoriety of her family and utterly ill equipped to face the world, Debra spends her young adulthood sinking into mental illness, toxic relationships, and substance abuse. Meanwhile, her unrepentant mother, Lucille, uses Debra to supply contraband in prison. When Lucille is released, twentysomething Debra, seeking the love and support she so desperately desires, moves in with her—only to find herself constantly manipulated and dragged into her mother’s illegal activities. Torn between love and survival, Debra spends years trying to escape her mother’s vortex even as she battles her own demons. Ultimately, it’s only when Lucille passes away that Debra finally frees herself from her grip—and realizes she needs to change her life.

In this raw and poignant memoir, Debra Miller bares the scars of an adolescence and adulthood shaped by the impact of a destructive mother and demonstrates that healing is always possible—even in the face of a past that just won’t let go.