Ex's and No's

COLE ZESIGER is a leading breakup and relationship coach known for turning heartbreak into growth. Drawing from personal experience and years of coaching thousands around the world, he teaches people how to rebuild after loss, master emotional regulation, and create secure, lasting relationships. Through his book, community, and online content, Cole gives people the tools to stop chasing closure, find peace within themselves, and build love that lasts.

• Introduction: My Story and Why I Wrote a Book About Breakups xiiiChapter 1 Why Your Brain Thinks Love Is Life- or- Death 1Evolutionary Biology 3Childhood 4Our Three Primal Fears 6Chapter 2 No Contact (Creating the Environment to Heal) 15The No Contact Rule 16No Contact to Get an Ex Back 22No Contact to Move On 23Chapter 3 What Kills Good Relationships? 39Category 1: Differences in Attachment Styles 40Attachment and Adult Romantic Relationships 44Attachment Theory in Breakups 55The Anxious- Avoidant Trap 55Category 2: A Mismanaged Emotional Bank Account 59Category 3: Differences in Goals or Values 61Category 4: Self- Sabotage 63Chapter 4 How to Rebuild a Relationship That Lasts 69Move On or Wait for Them? 69Common Mistakes 88Should You Ever Reach Out to Your Ex? 94Chapter 5 Crossing the River of Grief 97Facing Your Pain 100 Modulating Healthy Distr(action) 102Thinking Errors 104Chapter 6 The Life- Changing Power of Small Wins 117Micro Wins 119Life Map 123Say Yes to Things That Scare You 129Anchoring Hope in the Future 130Chapter 7 How to Stop Falling for People Who Can't Love You Back 133Inner Beliefs 135Your Beliefs Choose Your Relationships 140Reliance on Others: Anxious vs. Avoidant 141Letter to Little You 145Daily Tracking 147Chapter 8 Focusing Outward (Why Self- Care Is Not Enough) 151The Science of Connection 152Your Pain Qualifies You to Help Others 154Connection as a Healing Tool 155Chapter 9 Forgiveness: Setting Yourself Free 161Forgiving with Boundaries 163Forgiving Others 164Forgiving Yourself 167Forgiveness Is Free 171Chapter 10 What If This Was the Best Thing That's Ever Happened to You? 175Adjusting the Meaning and the Sunk Cost Bias 179Releasing Control 182Reframing Relationship Failure 184Chapter 11 Dating After Heartbreak, Without Losing Yourself Again 187The Dangers of Dating Too Soon 189How Do You Know When You Are Ready? 193Should I Date If I Still Think About My Ex? 194Beginning to Date 195Planning Dates 196Feeling Numb 197Overcoming Emotional Numbness 198Setting Yourself Up for Success 203Attachment Styles in Early Dating 203Discussing Past Relationships and Partners 208Finding People to Date 209Look Where You Want to Find Them 211Your Dating Compass: Primary and Secondary Characteristics 212Chapter 12 Lined with Gold 217Dear Reader 221Acknowledgments 223About the Author 225Index 227

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