If It Bleeds, It Leads

Matthew R. Kerbel has been writing about the news media ever since he stopped writing for the news media. A one-time radio and television newswriter and employee of Public Broadcasting, he is author of three books on television and politics, and is professor of political science at Villanova University. He lives in Wayne, PA with his wife Adrienne and his daughter Gabrielle.

• * Disclaimer: Everything you are about to read is true Hour One: Syndicated Talk (The Actual Program You See Will Vary Depending on Where You Live) * 4:00:00 pm Station Identification * 4:00:05 pm Opening Montage (Roll Tape) * 4:00:35 pm Meet the Hosts * 4:05:00 pm Meet the Guests * 4:10:00 pm Supply Medical Treatment for the Guests * 4:12:20 pm Begin First Protracted Shoving, Punching, and Deleted Dialogue Segment Between Best Friends Who Care About Each Other a Lot * 4:13:15 pm Add Fuel to Fire; Cue Second Bounder * 4:13:27 pm Begin 2-Minute 45-Second Sibling Shoving, Punching, and Deleted Dialogue Segment * 4:16:12 pm Add More Fuel to Fire; Alert Hospital to Prepare for Injuries * 4:18:02 pm Everyone Realizes This Is the Show * 4:23:30 pm Prepare to Pay Bouncers Overtime Hour Two: Live at Five (Dead by Six) * 5:00:00 pm Tease * 5:00:30 pm Inventing a Riot * 5:02:45 pm A Reassuring Segue * 5:03:00 pm Only Popular Restaurants Are Dangerous * 5:05:50 pm Tease * 5:06:00 pm Ad Time-Out: You Will Be on Television * 5:09:00 pm Feeling the Barometric Pressure * 5:11:45 pm What Ever Happened to the Story About the Breast Implants? * 5:12:00 pm Movie-or Reality? * 5:15:00 pm The Great Baking Powder Incident * 5:15:52 pm Tease * 5:16:00 pm Promo * 5:16:15 pm Ad Time-Out: You Can Be a Newswriter * 5:20:00 pm First Feature: It Could Happen Any Time Without Warning * 5:23:30 pm Segue into Terrifying Weather * 5:24:00 pm Air Quality * 5:25:00 pm Weather Time-Out: How You Can Be a Weathercaster * 5:29:00 pm Dessert * 5:30:00 pm How Many Times Can One Car Smash into a House? * 5:31:40 pm Minor Injuries, Major Pictures * 5:32:10 pm Wicked Winds * 5:33:55 pm Tease * 5:34:00 pm Ad Time-Out: May Is the Cruelest Month. Februarys Not So Great, Either * 5:37:00 pm Second Feature: Extreme Sex * 5:39:55 pm Whats Really Important in Philadelphia * 5:40:00 pm Exactly Why Do They Need Weather Reports in San Diego? * 5:42:00 pm Ad Time-Out: You Can Be a News Director * 5:45:00 pm Score! * 5:47:55 pm Now, an Ad for an Ad * 5:48:30 pm Third Feature: Implants * 5:50:50 pm After the Surgery * 5:51:00 pm Ad Time-Out: You Can Be a Star * 5:55:30 pm More Sex, Please * 5:56:00 pm Dave Loves Cheesesteaks * 5:59:00 pm Lock Those Doors-and Come Back at Eleven Hour Three: Network * 6:00:00 pm Tease * 6:00:25 pm War Stories * 6:02:10 pm Excuse Me? * 6:05:00 pm But Enough About You * 6:07:20 pm Up Next * 6:07:30 pm Promo * 6:07:45 pm Ad Time-Out: Lets Have an Impeachment! * 6:10:00 pm Al Gore Gets a Surprise Makeover * 6:12:00 pm Down to Size * 6:13:35 pm Tease * 6:13:40 pm Promo * 6:14:00 pm Ad Time-Out: Fear at 6:16, Outrage at 6:20 * 6:16:00 pm Scary Cars * 6:18:00 pm Scary Phones * 6:20:00 pm Feeling Fleeced * 6:22:30 pm Tease * 6:22:35 pm Promo * 6:23:00 pm Ad Time-Out: Take the Fear and Outrage Challenge! * 6:26:00 pm Freaky, Roof-Busting Great Balls of Hail * 6:28:30 pm Promo * 6:28:50 pm Promo * 6:29:00 pm Promo * 6:29:15 pm Promo * 6:29:20 pm Promo * 6:29:25 pm Promo * 6:29:40 pm Promo * 6:29:45 pm Promo * 6:29:50 pm Promo * 6:29:59 pm Fade Out Postscript: The Sky Keeps Falling * 9:59:15 pm News * 9:59:30 pm TV Show * 9:59:45 pm Mini-Series * 10:00:00 pm News * 10:27:30 pm News * 10:34:00 pm News * 10:45:20 pm Mini-Series * 10:57:15 pm News