Halfwit Nation

Delivering the stories THEY don't want you to read, including:• People who know how to fucking park on brink of extinction• Fat kids to be chased to school by dogs• Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus• Estate agents will starve to death, says upbeat report• UK threat level raised to 'Underpants'• Free bank with every new mobile• Britain strikes gold in sport no one watches• Ferguson apologises to premenstrual Reading fans• Beckham unable to pronounce 'Scientology'Meanwhile Agony Aunt Petula Soul tackles a diverse range of bizarre sexual problems and astrologer Psychic Bob maps your mystic future ('There's always a chance you'll get something you have been wanting for a long time. Butthere's a much bigger chance you won't').Plus: opinion polls, talking dogs and an absolutely gigantic rat.'Makes the New Testament look like a lot of insane, voodoo rubbish'- Rt Rev. Tom Logan, St Clive's, Taunton