When Getting Along Is not Enough

Maureen Walker is a licensed psychologist, speaker, educator, and writer who helps people bridge cultural differences such as race, religion, gender, and other social status markers.

• ContentsAcknowledgmentsIntroduction1. The “It” Without a NameA Brief Survey of Race (as an Essentialist Concept) in AmericaThe Complexity of Everyday Racialized Interactions: Jo and the Clerk at the Convenience StoreRace as a Relational DynamicNovember Morning Redux and the “It-ness” of It AllSo Who Do You Think You Are? Reflections2. When the Culture HurtsRacial StratificationRace and Neuroscience/Your Brain on RaceRace and the “Dose” EffectBeyond the Barrier: Race DialoguesSystemic and Built-In PrivilegeTwo Models of Human Engagement: Relational-Cultural Theory and Racial Identity TheoryMultiple-Voiced NarrativesReflections3. Race and Place: What’s Power Got to Do with It?Power and Powerlessness in Identity NarrativesPower-OverRace, Place, and PowerReflections4. Mascots, Missionaries, and Other Illusions of Power-OverStrategies of DisconnectionInternalized DominanceInternalized OppressionStrategies of Disconnection and Illusions of Power-overReflections5. Sticks and Stones and Words That HurtAversive RacismLanguage as Codified RacismFalse Narratives21st-Century Linguistic Dilemmas: The “N” WordReflections6. Disruptive Empathy: Beyond “I Feel Your Pain”Disruptive EmpathyThe ARC of EmpathyA Story I Would Rather Not TellReflections7. Mindful AuthenticityMindful AuthenticityThe Three C MindsetMindful Authenticity and Self-DisclosureMindful Authenticity and Productive ConflictOne True ThingShowing Up for Your Own TruthDoing Authenticity: Four Simple PracticesHolding Contradictory TruthsReflections8. Dynamic Mutuality: Empowering Action in a RelationshipAction in RelationshipUnderstanding and Misunderstanding Dynamic MutualityDynamic Mutuality in PracticeDynamic Mutuality Is Not Synonymous with CompromiseStrategies of Disconnection to Resist Dynamic MutualityThe Sound of One Hand Clapping and Other CaveatsReflections9. Say It Isn’t So . . . and Other Race-Card GamesIdeological Force FieldsThe “Silencers”A Few More Words about Race-Card GamesReflections10. Nine Rules for Remaking the Meaning of RaceFive Good Things: Clarity, Creativity, Zest, A Sense of Mattering, and A Desire for More ConnectionRule 1: Pay attention to your body: Pause, then breathe your way into new racial narratives.Rule 2: Become curious about the multiple racial narratives in your head. You don’t have to believe or act on them.Rule 3: If you find yourself becoming highly reactive in a racialized encounter, ask yourself if some deep background story from your own life is getting triggered.Rule 4: Acknowledge the necessity of good conflict, and then give yourself permission to set the terms of the interaction.Rule 5: Recognize when “wanting to win” is driving the interaction.Rule 6: When an interaction approaches an impasse, say one true thing. Rule 7: Question the norms . . . notice what surprises you.Rule 8: Be willing to learn.Rule 9: Know when to walk away.Reflections11. An Enlarged Vision of Human PossibilityAbout Allies and Racial Privilege Remaking the Meaning of Race in Our Lives: A Few Final WordsReferencesIndexAbout the Author

“ When Getting Along Is Not Enough is an invitation, a challenge, and an instruction manual all in one. Its power lies in Dr. Walker’s ability to perpetually bring the reader back to the complexity and hard work of cross-race relationships and to offer real-life, mind-body suggestions on how each of us can step up, grow up, and show up for conversations about race.”—Amy Banks, Wired for Love blog, Psychology Today