Watching Myself Be Borderline

Child abuse comes in many forms, and its most life-changing effects are often not from the bruises and broken bones of physical abuse, but the psychological damage done by the dysfunctional family environment in which the child is raised. This book, published under a pen name to avoid legal complications, explores the impact on one of its children caused by the casual mental cruelty of an apparently normal professional-class American family.  

Watching Myself Be Borderline tells the story of little Jansen Vee growing up in a family created by two parents who were narcissists. This author, Jansen, has an amazing ability to explain the family dynamics that created a troubled child and, later, a mentally ill adult. Always insightful and sometimes heartbreaking, the stories of Jansen's childhood illuminate her adult life as a sufferer of borderline personality disorder, as she explains how each of the characteristics of the disorder listed in psychiatry's DSM handbook (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) are or are not reflected in her life: 1. abandonment fears; 2. unstable, intense relationships; 3. unstable sense of self; 4. impulsivity; 5. suicidality, self-mutilation; 6. emotional instability; 7. emptiness; 8. anger; 9. transient paranoia. 

Her struggles have been so challenging that her survival has not been assured. And yet, she also tells us about her peculiar strengths - those strengths which have allowed her to reach the age of 60 years old and still be alive, unlike many sufferers of borderline personality disorder. These strengths may help encourage others so afflicted to persevere.

Jansen Vee has struggled with mental illness all of her life, though the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder was not forthcoming until her 40s. Persisting with psychotherapy over decades, she has found Western medicine to be effective but also has explored acupuncture, mindfulness meditation and yoga. A former college faculty member, she lives a full and active life in the Pacific Northwest.

Watching Myself will be of particular interest to those in contact, professionally or personally, with those enduring the ravages of borderline personality disorder.